mY pUrPoSe....

This life is so everchanging, yet boring...I'm so ready for something new, exciting, and fun!~! I find myself growing tired of the same ole routine day in and day out. I'm just ready to be happy and enjoy life...when does that come for me? I try to do it for myself, however, I don't find anything unless I have to pay for it...that can get expensive and fast! I know my biggest problem is being alone...I can't stand it. I need someone to sweep me off my feet & keep me there. Not just temporarily either. I want someone to love me and give me what I always give. Damnit, I want to feel the way I make others feel. I get so tired of giving, I just want to receive some back. Does that person exist or is my purpose just to be a lonely, sad soul on this earth so that others can look at me and be happy? I get happy for a moment but then something or someone shuts it down :( I'm tired.

DeCiSiOnS dEcIsIoNs............

Sooooooo, anyway, its just crazy how life can change, how I change with life. I have been waiting to hear something for at least a year and a half now. I finally heard that something the other day & to my dismay, I'm not all that excited about it. Maybe my heart just got tired of waiting, or I realized something from another something that happened over a week ago, but its just all so strange. I heard what I wanted to hear but I'm not so sure that I want to hear it NOW. Why couldn't it have been said before and why is it now all of the sudden & almost demanding. Ach! It's crap like this that can drive a person insane I tell ya. I'm scared. Point blank. A very wonderful person you are, and what a great life I'm sure we'd have, but why not then & why now?? Did I all of the sudden "FIT" your fancy or what? I seriously don't know. All I do know is that I need time, and quite a bit of it. The roles are reversed my friend, and you may actually be to late. I'm not sure. I wish I had the answers for both you and myself but I don't. I need to hear exactly what your plan is....like, is it something temporary to satisfy whatever it is you are feeling or is this what you really want? For now, I am me and I plan on making me happy. I am your friend & will continue to be that, but as far as what you've recently told me my answer is.................................I'll have to think about it, be patient with me, & I need to figure some stuff of my own out.

StReSsEd

There is so much upon me now,
My shoulders just cannot bare.
It gets heavier by the day,
& I'm starting to pull out my hair.

People are sick with no cause,
That I cannot cure,
Others are leaving me,
Too much to endure.

Trying to keep my chin up,
Busy my mind with my chores.
My legs keep getting weaker,
Arms like spaghetti droop to the floor.

It'll take a miracle now,
To bring my spirit back.
Something cheerful and amazing,
It's those things in life that I lack.

I need someone's love,
More than I need air.
I'm drowning here alone,
Alone to my despair.

I need to feel your arms again,
To wrap me up inside.
Let me know I'm still alive,
A safe place for me to hide.

Only there I find comfort these days,
The one place I want to be.
I know your not ready for much,
But can't you just hold me?

wAiTiNg

I know that you aren't ready,
It kills me deep inside.
I try to suck it up,
But pain I cannot hide.

I've had to learn my patience,
Which I thought I already possessed.
Took a good long time,
And then I became obsessed.

Now I try to do it right,
And I know sometimes I fail.
Just understand how much I love you,
There'll be nothing left to tell.

I know I can't make things happen,
So I'm still waiting here for you.
We still talk, laugh, and write,
Those things get me through.

Finally found what I've been waiting for,
Within you, I've found my dream.
You're everything I'm looking for,
I'm just waiting, patiently...