BuMmEd

An ocean of tears I set in,
While thinking of how things will change.
Knowing there'll be an absence,
That noting can replace.
Breathing seems to be harder,
As the tears keep falling down.
I want to wake up tomorrow,
So my thoughts don't let me drown.
I can't go on feeling like this,
It's bringing me to my knees.
This is my heart crying out,
Stay daddy, won't you please...

Rain

Everything is screwed up,
Rain pouring deep inside.
Take a deep breath in,
And the I run to hide.
Fires burning all around,
In my heart and in my head.
Days of rain can't put it out,
Am I dead...Am I dead.

NeW bEgInNiNg

Wow...today was awesome to say in the least!! For starters, my wonderful papa has had his name on my verizon wireless account for over four years because I stupidly screwed up my credit when I was younger and couldn't get the account on my own. So, today we went and I was able to get everything switched over into my name...ahhh...that was a good feeling :O) Secondly, we went to the credit union because I am trying to take care of my car loan with help of course!! I can't do much w/o help, but I'm getting there!! So anyway, that is finally done and outta da way!! My daddy and I then enjoyed a nice lunch before he headed back home for some golf. Right as he was walking to his car after our goodbyes, I went to check my mail, almost not seeing the envelope before closing the door, I noticed it and pulled it out...Low and behold it was my decree from the lawyer :O) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Finally, finally, finally...I have been waiting on this for three months or more now & its finally here with me. My daddy however had already gotten in the car and driven away before I could share the good news with him. Then again, that news is great whether fresh or old. What an amazing day!!! To finish my amazing day, I read Diane's book which just captured my heart & mind from beginning to end. I read the whole book in a little over three hours!!! HA! I never do that! So a big thanks to Diane for her wonderful book & Mary for providing it for me!! Today life seems wonderful!!! WHOOOOO HOOOOOOO

Home ALONE

So...I've bn seperated for well over a year now...dating another guy...and I have to say that losing this guy is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much harder than the "husband" I had. It is so weird how life plays out, but its all for a reason so I'm not gonna question it. I can't help but to care deeply for the people in my life....it's somthing I've always done and probably will always do--that's who I am. I tend to try to always please people in whatever way I can just to make sure they are happy, and when that happiness ends, I become lost. I don't know how to get it back and it kills me. I find myself not motivated to do anything of any sort because there are tooooooooooooooo many reminders out there. If only I could lock myself in a box somewhere with some padded walls for some comfort. HAHA!! Anyway, I don't think I mentioned what wonderful friends I have...I am truly blessed 2 have them in my life!!! W/O them I'd be crazy!! I love all of you who have given a crap about me...You don't know how much it means to me

Love

Bleeding

So in this crazy life I live, I'm often pushed into doing things that I don't necessarily don't want to do...for instance, the guy I have been with for almost a year now can't make up his mind one way or another what he wants to do...so I did it for him...I left. Out the door like a fly who finally found a teenie tiny hole to slip through. Set free yet still wondering what I left behind. A pretty big chunk of me is still there with him I know that, and these damn crocodile tears keep streaming down my face like a river who's dam just broke loose. I know I'm going to hear people saying things like, "Oh, it'll be alright," and YES, I know it WILL be alright but for now its not--it hurts like a mother fucking dull butcher knife being stabbed into my chest, twisting around with those serrated edges, and then being yanked out with such force to knock me down. Leaving me here...just bleeding.............................................................................................................

FrEeDoM

So, on Tuesday I went to the lawyer's office and FINALLY filed for a DIVORCE!! YAY!!! Hopefully within just a few weeks I will be a free woman...ahhhh! It just feels so wonderful to get it off my chest, to put the past behind, and concentrate on what's in front of me...LIFE! People I love, new and old, just make everyday wonderful! I couldn't ask for better friends and family. I'm overly excited and it's not even final yet but it makes my heart smile so that's all I need!!

FiNdInG mYsElF aGaIn

So, I am a whopping 26 years old, unfortunately have been married, and thankfully getting ready to be divorced!! I very stupidly got stuck in this crazy lifestyle being married to Drew. He was lazy and never wanted to work, but me being the caring, loving person that I am, I overlooked it. A little over a year ago I started telling my daddy and Mary how upset and unhappy I was, and just totally broke down. They pulled me back to my feet, gave me a slap of reality in the face, and made me see what was going on. After that point, I knew what I had to do!! With a little help of course, but nevertheless, "I" had to get rid of my problem. Like I said, I have been living alone for over a year now, and it has been wonderful! I have a life now. A life....who would've thought that could be so great??? Haha! My daddy and Mary aren't the only two who helped me though...I also have my mommy, and all of these wonderful friends who kept my head above water. Without all these people in my life I would be utterly crazy right now, things would be totally different, and I would still be an emotional train wreck....BUT, I'M NOT!!! I am happy most days and I am slowly getting myself together. It has taken lots of work, but I am getting there one step at a time! I am a Pisces so I tend to worry a lot about EVERYTHING, and I care very deeply for all of those who are close to me. Hell, I even care deeply for those who aren't!! Working at the hospital has shown me that. I couldn't tell you how many people I come across on the weekends while working but I care for them all whether they are assholes or not. I'm beginning to think that my purpose on earth is to be someone who cares for everyone. Yet, the problem with that is I usually end up getting my heart trampled in the process because one of those people that I am trying to care about, just don't give a hoot about anyoneor anything....I don't know, but as long as I can make a few people happy and especially those I truly love, then I have done my best!