Where am I again?

I've been all over the place...or so it seems! Ha! However, I am finally getting a sense of being "settled" if that's what you wanna call it!  It sure feels a lot better finally getting to live with my hubby after a long awaited time!!!! However, we are away from family and friends which tends to make it a bit difficult!  You would think that this was the first time I ever left home, that Pennsylvania was some foreign land, and that I were to never to return home...Truth is, I love it here.  The people are so welcoming and nice.  The only things that are missing are my family and friends.   

  Of course I'm nervous being in a new place...it wouldn't be me if I weren't nervous about something!  I start work tomorrow which is just going to add to my gut churning, throat eating feelings, but as always, I'll survive, look back and see that it wasn't all that bad after all.  Besides, I am tired of JUST being at home.  I love our little house that we have here, I love both of the dogs and their crazy little ways, but I'm tired of looking at these walls and the dogs (as cute as they may be!).  Winter is causing another problem for me, as it does every year...the gloominess gets the best of me.  I cannot help but to look forward to beautiful blooms, green grass & trees, and blue skies!!!

I've been sitting on my ass for two months now, and it is growing.  I need to move again & get out of this funk.  It sucks that my body reacted the way it did, but it is my fault.  I have gained almost 20lbs since I've became a full time house wife (don't get me wrong, I love the housewife part, just not the extra personal "baggage" that came with it)!!  It is my fault because I chose to sit rather than stand, eat rather than exercise, and do NOTHING but watch TV.  Lack of motivation quickly set in after I moved here.  With the hubby gone for the biggest part of the day & me not knowing anyone here, I found myself in a slump...a sad, lonely slump.  It just kept growing bigger & bigger.  I mean sure, I talk to friends & family from time to time, but I don't want to be an aggravation.  One person I talked to though motivated me, as she always has, and always will.  Mary, a beautiful woman who has taught me so much throughout my life and inspired me all along the way.  Mary, the woman who treated me like her own since the age of six.  She is responsible for me getting off my ASS!!!  I mean, I knew I had my Zumba dvd's, but I didn't know where they were.  I looked for them, and didn't find them, so I gave up...until I talked to Mary!!  She always has a way of making things...CLICK...in my head somehow.  So, after a phone conversation with her not so long ago...low & behold, I found them...my beautiful Zumba dvd's!!!  As to my excitement I stripped down to my bra & workout pants & away I went!!!  Totally Zumbalicious :)  Of course I can't expect results the next day, getting smaller anyway, but I sure felt it, and that's all that mattered.  I was doing something for myself and it felt good.  Thank you Mary <3 p="">

So, where am I again?  I'm in PA with my beautiful husband and our two crazy dogs, beginning to pull myself out of my lonely funk!!!  haha!!I love it here, really, I just miss my people.

SwEeT rUsH

I may not be as beautiful, as some appear to be.
More like a telescope, look deep inside of me.
There you'll find a heart full of love,
An undying wish to make you happy,
And a girl who is just crazy about you!

Things may be all fresh & new,
but there's just something there,
Something that feels right.
I know you may not feel it, or at least not as strong as I do,
But I hope you are feeling something this wonderful too!

You are what I've been looking for, someone so hard to find.
They just don't make em' like you anymore, You are one of a kind.
You make me smile and laugh even when I'm blue,
Very smart, funny, and damn good looking too.

I'm sorry if I seem to rush because it's not that at all,
I just get caught up in the moment, but please don't let me fall!

mY pUrPoSe....

This life is so everchanging, yet boring...I'm so ready for something new, exciting, and fun!~! I find myself growing tired of the same ole routine day in and day out. I'm just ready to be happy and enjoy life...when does that come for me? I try to do it for myself, however, I don't find anything unless I have to pay for it...that can get expensive and fast! I know my biggest problem is being alone...I can't stand it. I need someone to sweep me off my feet & keep me there. Not just temporarily either. I want someone to love me and give me what I always give. Damnit, I want to feel the way I make others feel. I get so tired of giving, I just want to receive some back. Does that person exist or is my purpose just to be a lonely, sad soul on this earth so that others can look at me and be happy? I get happy for a moment but then something or someone shuts it down :( I'm tired.

DeCiSiOnS dEcIsIoNs............

Sooooooo, anyway, its just crazy how life can change, how I change with life. I have been waiting to hear something for at least a year and a half now. I finally heard that something the other day & to my dismay, I'm not all that excited about it. Maybe my heart just got tired of waiting, or I realized something from another something that happened over a week ago, but its just all so strange. I heard what I wanted to hear but I'm not so sure that I want to hear it NOW. Why couldn't it have been said before and why is it now all of the sudden & almost demanding. Ach! It's crap like this that can drive a person insane I tell ya. I'm scared. Point blank. A very wonderful person you are, and what a great life I'm sure we'd have, but why not then & why now?? Did I all of the sudden "FIT" your fancy or what? I seriously don't know. All I do know is that I need time, and quite a bit of it. The roles are reversed my friend, and you may actually be to late. I'm not sure. I wish I had the answers for both you and myself but I don't. I need to hear exactly what your plan is....like, is it something temporary to satisfy whatever it is you are feeling or is this what you really want? For now, I am me and I plan on making me happy. I am your friend & will continue to be that, but as far as what you've recently told me my answer is.................................I'll have to think about it, be patient with me, & I need to figure some stuff of my own out.

StReSsEd

There is so much upon me now,
My shoulders just cannot bare.
It gets heavier by the day,
& I'm starting to pull out my hair.

People are sick with no cause,
That I cannot cure,
Others are leaving me,
Too much to endure.

Trying to keep my chin up,
Busy my mind with my chores.
My legs keep getting weaker,
Arms like spaghetti droop to the floor.

It'll take a miracle now,
To bring my spirit back.
Something cheerful and amazing,
It's those things in life that I lack.

I need someone's love,
More than I need air.
I'm drowning here alone,
Alone to my despair.

I need to feel your arms again,
To wrap me up inside.
Let me know I'm still alive,
A safe place for me to hide.

Only there I find comfort these days,
The one place I want to be.
I know your not ready for much,
But can't you just hold me?

wAiTiNg

I know that you aren't ready,
It kills me deep inside.
I try to suck it up,
But pain I cannot hide.

I've had to learn my patience,
Which I thought I already possessed.
Took a good long time,
And then I became obsessed.

Now I try to do it right,
And I know sometimes I fail.
Just understand how much I love you,
There'll be nothing left to tell.

I know I can't make things happen,
So I'm still waiting here for you.
We still talk, laugh, and write,
Those things get me through.

Finally found what I've been waiting for,
Within you, I've found my dream.
You're everything I'm looking for,
I'm just waiting, patiently...

BuMmEd

An ocean of tears I set in,
While thinking of how things will change.
Knowing there'll be an absence,
That noting can replace.
Breathing seems to be harder,
As the tears keep falling down.
I want to wake up tomorrow,
So my thoughts don't let me drown.
I can't go on feeling like this,
It's bringing me to my knees.
This is my heart crying out,
Stay daddy, won't you please...

Rain

Everything is screwed up,
Rain pouring deep inside.
Take a deep breath in,
And the I run to hide.
Fires burning all around,
In my heart and in my head.
Days of rain can't put it out,
Am I dead...Am I dead.

NeW bEgInNiNg

Wow...today was awesome to say in the least!! For starters, my wonderful papa has had his name on my verizon wireless account for over four years because I stupidly screwed up my credit when I was younger and couldn't get the account on my own. So, today we went and I was able to get everything switched over into my name...ahhh...that was a good feeling :O) Secondly, we went to the credit union because I am trying to take care of my car loan with help of course!! I can't do much w/o help, but I'm getting there!! So anyway, that is finally done and outta da way!! My daddy and I then enjoyed a nice lunch before he headed back home for some golf. Right as he was walking to his car after our goodbyes, I went to check my mail, almost not seeing the envelope before closing the door, I noticed it and pulled it out...Low and behold it was my decree from the lawyer :O) AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Finally, finally, finally...I have been waiting on this for three months or more now & its finally here with me. My daddy however had already gotten in the car and driven away before I could share the good news with him. Then again, that news is great whether fresh or old. What an amazing day!!! To finish my amazing day, I read Diane's book which just captured my heart & mind from beginning to end. I read the whole book in a little over three hours!!! HA! I never do that! So a big thanks to Diane for her wonderful book & Mary for providing it for me!! Today life seems wonderful!!! WHOOOOO HOOOOOOO

Home ALONE

So...I've bn seperated for well over a year now...dating another guy...and I have to say that losing this guy is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much harder than the "husband" I had. It is so weird how life plays out, but its all for a reason so I'm not gonna question it. I can't help but to care deeply for the people in my life....it's somthing I've always done and probably will always do--that's who I am. I tend to try to always please people in whatever way I can just to make sure they are happy, and when that happiness ends, I become lost. I don't know how to get it back and it kills me. I find myself not motivated to do anything of any sort because there are tooooooooooooooo many reminders out there. If only I could lock myself in a box somewhere with some padded walls for some comfort. HAHA!! Anyway, I don't think I mentioned what wonderful friends I have...I am truly blessed 2 have them in my life!!! W/O them I'd be crazy!! I love all of you who have given a crap about me...You don't know how much it means to me

Love

Bleeding

So in this crazy life I live, I'm often pushed into doing things that I don't necessarily don't want to do...for instance, the guy I have been with for almost a year now can't make up his mind one way or another what he wants to do...so I did it for him...I left. Out the door like a fly who finally found a teenie tiny hole to slip through. Set free yet still wondering what I left behind. A pretty big chunk of me is still there with him I know that, and these damn crocodile tears keep streaming down my face like a river who's dam just broke loose. I know I'm going to hear people saying things like, "Oh, it'll be alright," and YES, I know it WILL be alright but for now its not--it hurts like a mother fucking dull butcher knife being stabbed into my chest, twisting around with those serrated edges, and then being yanked out with such force to knock me down. Leaving me here...just bleeding.............................................................................................................

FrEeDoM

So, on Tuesday I went to the lawyer's office and FINALLY filed for a DIVORCE!! YAY!!! Hopefully within just a few weeks I will be a free woman...ahhhh! It just feels so wonderful to get it off my chest, to put the past behind, and concentrate on what's in front of me...LIFE! People I love, new and old, just make everyday wonderful! I couldn't ask for better friends and family. I'm overly excited and it's not even final yet but it makes my heart smile so that's all I need!!

FiNdInG mYsElF aGaIn

So, I am a whopping 26 years old, unfortunately have been married, and thankfully getting ready to be divorced!! I very stupidly got stuck in this crazy lifestyle being married to Drew. He was lazy and never wanted to work, but me being the caring, loving person that I am, I overlooked it. A little over a year ago I started telling my daddy and Mary how upset and unhappy I was, and just totally broke down. They pulled me back to my feet, gave me a slap of reality in the face, and made me see what was going on. After that point, I knew what I had to do!! With a little help of course, but nevertheless, "I" had to get rid of my problem. Like I said, I have been living alone for over a year now, and it has been wonderful! I have a life now. A life....who would've thought that could be so great??? Haha! My daddy and Mary aren't the only two who helped me though...I also have my mommy, and all of these wonderful friends who kept my head above water. Without all these people in my life I would be utterly crazy right now, things would be totally different, and I would still be an emotional train wreck....BUT, I'M NOT!!! I am happy most days and I am slowly getting myself together. It has taken lots of work, but I am getting there one step at a time! I am a Pisces so I tend to worry a lot about EVERYTHING, and I care very deeply for all of those who are close to me. Hell, I even care deeply for those who aren't!! Working at the hospital has shown me that. I couldn't tell you how many people I come across on the weekends while working but I care for them all whether they are assholes or not. I'm beginning to think that my purpose on earth is to be someone who cares for everyone. Yet, the problem with that is I usually end up getting my heart trampled in the process because one of those people that I am trying to care about, just don't give a hoot about anyoneor anything....I don't know, but as long as I can make a few people happy and especially those I truly love, then I have done my best!